As I try to sort out "the rest of my life," it occurred to me that writing is an outlet I tend to return to time and time again. Even if no one reads my writing, "putting it out there" ensures that at least I have spoken, even though the tree has made no sound when it has fallen through the forest of trees. I won't lie - I WANT to be heard. I spend way too much time alone - not by choice, but by the limitations of this new body I have been given.
2011 was quite challenging physically and emotionally, but I think I came out on top, at least in some aspects.
THE GOOD :)
The Job: Prospects are actually quite good. The learning center I was working at went under after the owner underwent an absolutely brutal and unfair divorce. Fortunately, I was hired for 30 hours of teaching at Olivet University, a seminary which trains Chinese students for missions and the church. My students are some of the best and most interesting people I have ever taught, as it happens. The program is very new, so the administration still has a large learning curve, but the slightly chaotic, last minute change atmosphere doesn't bother me too much. I will also be teaching a class, "Teaching Asians at Home and Abroad," at UC-Santa Cruz Extension. This is an intensive TESOL training program for serious ESL teachers, not a fly-by-night online TEFL scam, so I must always be on my toes. I am hoping there is full time work (with benefits) in my future, so cross your fingers.
THE NOT-SO-BAD:/
The Body: The Body is still not functioning as it should, but it is functioning at least at a basic level. My legs still get me where I want to go, and my feet don't particularly hurt, even after five hours of solid teaching. I will return to the gym this month to get my "base" training back up to speed. I was firmly rejected by CrossFit gyms, where I was assured even 80-year-old-grannies could do what I could not... on par with taking PE with the special ed kids in elementary school (due to "delayed motor skill development") - that is, total HUMILIATION! I received another "rotten egg" lecture from my "girl stuff" doctor - I am now in the "advanced maternal age" category, and Dr. N offered, during this same visit, to introduce me to a round of fertility doctors. Sigh. My gastroparesis has flared up a few times, but the flare ups are getting less intense, though they are still quite inconvenient. My figure is starting to "bag and sag" in strange places - my "baby face" will not last much longer, I'm afraid. All that said, I will NOT go out with a fight...Aja! Fighting! I think I'll join a hiking club (too many psychos in our local hiking park) and start saving for a mountain bike. I miss hiking so much...
THE UGLY:(
The Love Life: Kaput. Done. Finished...for now. The relationship ended "not with a bang, but a whimper." Mr. M (who featured in How Not to Be Sexy, Part II - he DID call back, and we dated for several months) turned out to be incredibly self-centered, short-sighted, and emotionally immature. I usually don't date "younger" for this very reason - it has only worked once for me, and this was NOT it. There were also some cultural things that didn't work for me - Mr M was very tight-lipped about his cultural background, but I pieced the clues together and I have deduced that he was Sudanese. I am not overly feminist, but I do expect to be treated as an equal - he really hated when I stood up for myself and my beliefs. He stood me up one too many times (didn't bother to call)...and that was that.
I do try to be optimistic, but the truth is "the one that got away" was "the one." We only find a "soul mate" once in a lifetime, but the Master of the Universe chose to take him away from me. Three years later, he turned up in my world again, but in the cruelest twist of all: "Thou hast made of me an adulteress." Everyone that comes after will always pale in comparison, but maybe it is time to "settle." It is one of the greatest ironies of life that once a woman has grown up enough to know both what she can give and what she needs in a relationship...the ocean of possibility is no bigger than a puddle. My biggest and ONLY fear, like many single women of "advanced maternal age" (mid 30s) is to live alone and die alone - as we watch our friends, one by one, get married, have children, and chase their "happily ever afters." No one's life is perfect, but spending that life always fighting completely alone to just stay alive is just plain exhausting.
2011 was a year of learning about what I could do and what I couldn't - I gained a bit more self-respect, but lost a little more faith in humanity. I am facing the New Year with strength, if not enthusiasm. That has got to count for something.
